DEEJBERNDT

BBBBB2

2011-11-08T19:17:00.003-05:00

it is time to make a blog post. this is a picture of me getting pumped for this blog post:

today was a fun day. there is a new ebook on pbp. it is by Andrew Worthington.

it gets dark really early in the evening now and there is no more ultimate frisbee. I'm sad that I won't be able to play until like April, but I signed up for a dodgeball team yesterday to try and make up for it. I haven't played dodgeball since like elementary school, this will be fun. I'll miss ultimate a whole lot though.

I'm leaving in like ten minutes to go play trivia at the bar. we did really poorly last week, I need to use more brainpower and do better this time. thinking caps. I will study more geography and learn everything there is to learn about the names of all the different parts of earth. this way I will never be lost no matter where I go, because I'll have a compass and a map because that's what I think people who know a lot about geography have.

oh by the way, I highly recommend following along Poncho's Summer of Debt. I've been digging it a lot, Poncho is on a roll.

wish me luck at trivia guys. i wanna hug 'n kiss ya.

((post trivia edit: we lost on the following question: what is "bubble and squeak" slang for in UK? we guessed "bacon and eggs" but the answer is "potato and cabbage" ffs))

BBB, BB!

2011-11-03T18:32:00.007-04:00

it's a blog renaissance. Bring Back Blogs, BB! Stephen Maggie and Ben are doing it too.

this is what I look like when I'm blogging:

oh man, looks like there is going to be a kick ass ustream tonight with Stephen Tully Dierks and Steve Roggenbuck. I want to watch it, but I don't think I'll be able to make it. bummer. oh well, I hope everyone has a fun time.

there will be another ebook at Pangur Ban Party soon. kisses! :D

I think I put a picture of myself in this blogpost because when I was looking at the other people who are in the BBB, BB renaissance they all did it.

right now I'm reading Blake Butler's new book. it's awesome. I think I've been reading a lot of memoirs recently and I've enjoyed them a lot. I'm also reading Flannery O'Connor short stories, and after Nothing I will read IQ84. I got IQ84 in the mail yesterday and it's massive.

my new favorite thing to do is stalk girls from Minnesota. go Vikings! I want to rename my blog "go Vikings!"

go Vikings!

I'm going to AWP this year! I'm really excited. the last two years I didn't go, and I just read about how much fun it was afterwards and wish I had gone. but this time I'm not going to do that, because I'm going. see you there?

go Vikings!

VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

2011-10-11T19:21:00.003-04:00

I'm super stoked to release VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, the newest ebook from PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is by 36 different very beautiful women. There are poems, stories, pictures and a video in there, so please check out all the awesome artists and have loads of fun.

In other news, I had a poem published over at HOUSEFIRE, which is one of my favorite places ever. It's called FORGOT THE MOTHS.

IRL Poetry Video Clips / WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING VIDEO

2011-08-22T20:52:00.009-04:00

[[edit: the videos look bad here, just to go my Vimeo account. you can still watch them here though, if you really want. no judgements]]

I made a Vimeo account. I uploaded four video clips.

Here is a clip of me reading in DC:

Here is a clip of Steve Roggenbuck jumping on my bed while reading from a rare Tao Lin chapbook:

Here is a clip of me reading from DURING MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN I WANT TO HAVE A BIOGRAPHER PRESENT by Brandon Scott Gorrell while copies of the book are poured over me:

Last but not least, here is a video of me and my closest and cutest friend, Shaun Gannon, reading our collaborative poem WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING, which will be available in print soon:

I Am Excited About Everything In Life

2011-08-19T10:23:00.006-04:00

The reading in DC last Wednesday was super fun! Carolyn DeCarlo is awesome and her rooftop is mega cool. You can re-watch the action on Poncho's ustream channel. There's also a link for the Lancaster "reading" that was fun to do. God bless Poncho and Steve and everyone.

I have a piece in the upcoming anthology, Nouns of Assemblage. There are a ton of really great writers in there, so totally get on that. I also wrote a piece of fiction for the website launch. I love HOUSEFIRE.

PANGUR BAN PARTY has some exciting upcoming titles. Be on the watch for some excellent dudes and dudettes, including Stephen Tully Dierks, Cassandra Troyan and Cody Troyan, Poncho Peligroso, Leif Haven, and Andrew Worthington. There is also a "surpise"-ish collection coming soon that I am very excited about.

I'm working on another collection of my own work, some fiction and some poetry and some prose, but I'm not sure what to do with it yet. I am sure, however, that I am excited about everything in life.

Readings And Stuff / I Am A Baby Butt / I Am An Everyday Casanova

2011-08-03T15:59:00.001-04:00

Gonna go down to DC on Wednesday and read. Gonna chill with Steve and Poncho in Lancaster on Thursday. Gonna have a great time.

PLEASE BABY WON'T YOU MICROWAVE ME A HOT DOG AND A BURRITO BY ANA C AND DJ BERNDT

2011-06-28T00:39:00.003-04:00

the KKK will publish it
cause u r racist
you are my special burrito

I want to keep you safe in a microwave
and put you too my lips my love
and then we are one

i built you a castle and it is taco bell

tell me what rhymes with your country
I want to learn everything you have to offer but your shit is so fucked like I mean
with the salsa

I'm sorry
I am an abusive hot dog soldier

i pasted everything

let me take care of you
you are warmth and blankets
you are my beard
mexico is the beard
I mean
you are hot and comforting
like a burrito

mexico is the best mustache ever

oh no every moustache is wet now

lol

lol means you didn't even laugh
this sucks

hahahahahahahaha

what sex is to other people typing to the internet is to me
at match dot com
I hope I have killed thousands with laughter
I hope I am lost in translation
but I guess that depends
on how well a burrito translates a hot dog
'i am pasting everything dj' by dj berndt (new wave vomit, 2011)

my arms are sinking
shooting the oven with a cap gun
but it's empty so don't worry

I mean the cap gun is empty
I mean the oven is empty
I mean
you know
I mean
fill me in
I mean
let me fill you in

a hot dog in a burrito
is code for sex

so now that's how we play it

seems like hot dog = penis
burrito= penis

burrito = foot fetish

omg u too?

I HAVE A FOOT IN A BURRITO FETISH BY DJ BERNDT NEW WAVE VOMIT 2011
i have a caps lock
I mean
shit

sorry pocahontas

I Am Fourteen On The Netlit Power 25

2011-04-11T18:36:00.004-04:00

My good friend Salisbury Bushnell runs a world wide website that is a huge party. Sometimes during the party, there is a Netlit Power 25, and this time I am number 14. He also put a fun project I did with Shaun "Buttface" Gannon on the list at number 24. Hooray for everyone that continues to make Let People Poems a part of the party. Fill up your red cup and meet me on the dance floor.

Updates 'N Stuff / Vote For Beauty Contest

2011-04-10T21:13:00.004-04:00

Here are some things that are cool but are not really new anymore. I seem to be bad at giving news when it is actually new. Whatever:

I am on last.fm now.

Luna Miguel translated a poem of mine into Spanish. If you use Google Translate, the title is "The last thing I'll kill myself before definitely be looking at my junk box for the last time to read the message of the Prince of Nigeria", which is just awesome.

I was interviewed at Radioactive Moat along with Shaun Gannon about Let People Poems.

I wrote this poem for allwritethen:

Beauty Contest.

If you vote for it, it goes in a book.

The Rules Of Smoke Club / Impromptu Ad-Lib Gchat Poem With Shaun Gannon

2011-03-24T20:41:00.003-04:00

Shaun: like youre smoking but you dont knpow it
youre sleep smokin

me: there must be two sides to me
oh... my... god
first rule of smoke club
don't talk about smoke club

Shaun: second rule of smoke club
let's get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

me: third rule of smoke club
someone fucking put on rambo right now

Shaun: fourth rule of smoke club
declare an all-out thumb war

me: fifth rule of smoke club
eat chips with your parents

Shaun: sixth rule of smoke club
lie down on the floor and close your eyes and imagine all the places in the world you have peed, and how you have disgraced those places, and what kind of person this makes you

me: seventh rule of smoke club
where are folding chairs made? like is there some guy who when you ask him what he does for a living he says he makes folding chairs?

Shaun: eighth rule of smoke club
Consider the following bit strings: 11011010111000111 01010001011001101 00101010001000001 and complete the following error detection correction codes: a. Even parity bit for each string b. Odd parity bit for each string

me: ninth rule of smoke club
Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

Shaun: tenth rule of smoke club
eat more chips with your parents

me: eleventh rule of smoke club
"hey dad, how you likin' these chips?"

Shaun: twelfth rule of smoke club
*static*

me: thirteenth rule of smoke club
"well son, i'd say these chips are just about alright. just about alright, indeed."

Shaun: fourteenth rule of smoke club
*static, slow droning noise fading in from right*

me: fifteenth rule of smoke club
just in case you guys forgot, remember to not talk about smoke club

Shaun: sixteenth rule of smoke club
buy a gun; if you already own a gun, exchange it for a new one

me: seventeenth rule of smoke club
remember to try new things and also you should warn your kids about drugs

Shaun: eighteenth rule of smoke club
who wants arby's? i can pick something up but you've gotta give me the money first

me: nineteenth rule of smoke club
if you see a commercial for a really cool washer-dryer set, remember that your washer and dryer still work pretty well and that sort of money doesn't justify combining them in the first place

Shaun: twentieth rule of smoke club
be cold. all the time. yes, i'm serious. you must be cold, cold enough to shiver, cold enough to need sweaters and blankets and hot cider with whiskey and worry about the frostbite on everything, everything but your mouth, which will be warm and full of life because you will use it to get high as fuck.

me: twenty-first rule of smoke club
I don't know that you should be worried about it anything dude, I'm just saying it might be a good idea to get that mole checked out

Shaun: twenty-second rule of smoke club
lend me some q-tips, will ya

me: twenty-third rule of smoke club
when it's wintertime, remembering what it felt like to wear shorts is like trying to remember what it felt like to grow up or to be with your ex-girlfriend again that you miss so much these days

Shaun: twenty-fourth rule of smoke club
going through the rules gets me all sweaty, so i'm gonna go take a shower then be back in a sec, ok?

me: twenty-fifth rule of smoke club
if your friend goes to take a shower, remember to remind him to save his sweat in a jar later

SITUATIONAL COMEDY By Benjamin King aka Rollerfink Now On Pangur Ban Party

2011-03-09T19:01:00.003-05:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY has published a poetry series called SITUATIONAL COMEDY by Benjamin King, aka Rollerfink.

I'm A Proud Metazen Member

2011-03-05T05:03:00.002-05:00

If you read this blog or even know who I am, this is not news: I am now an editor over at Metazen. I am very happy and honored to be a part of such a great magazine. You can see my face on the site over here, but if you know me then you've probably seen that photo before on Facebook. I'm 0/2 on news.

Animated Gif / Normally Special By xTx / Download Helvetica For Free By Steve Roggenbuck / Smiles Of The Unstoppable By Jason Bredle

2011-03-03T18:35:00.005-05:00

Featured in this animated gif:

My bookshelf in one corner of my room

DOWNLOAD HELVETICA FOR FREE.COM" by Steve Roggenbuck

NORMALLY SPECIAL by xTx

SMILES OF THE UNSTOPPABLE by Jason Bredle

A picture of another corner of my room, with my bed and part of my TV stand

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT (A LOVE POEM) Published By unsure if i will allow my beard to grow for much longer

2011-03-02T20:04:00.004-05:00

I wrote a poem called DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT (A LOVE POEM) and then it was published on unsure if i will allow my beard to grow for much longer and then me and my friend named Michael Inscoe went on a biiiiig waterslide and cried "wheeeeee!!!" all the way down.

Girls With Insurance

2011-02-28T21:55:00.002-05:00

A poem that I wrote for a previous collection now lives at Girls With Insurance. Thanks to P.H. Madore.

100th Post: Shit About The Oscars And Shit

2011-02-27T21:57:00.002-05:00

2005 (the year I graduated high school and started drinking alone, heart broken for the very first time): Are you serious? Crash won best picture? Ugh. Brokeback Mountain and Capote are both one hundred times better. Should have gone to Brokeback Mountain.

2006 (the year I got high on cough syrup and burned my arms a lot): The Departed isn't a shitty movie, but Babel is one of the best films ever. Letters From Iwo Jima is just the fucking worst, really. Babel should have won.

2007 (the year I went back to school, wrote in blood on a journal): Not terribly disappointing this year. No Country For Old Men is good, but not as good as There Will Be Blood. Close but no cigar, Oscars.

2008 (the year I discovered the internet and built a basement): Jesus fucking Christ. Slumdog Millionaire was worse than Crash. Even the nominations were way off this year. Benjamin Button was good, but the best film of this year is either Doubt or The Wrestler. Sorry dudes.

2009 (the year I got a job and started taking medicine): This was the worst year for film since I graduated high school. Did anything else come from this year except for A Serious Man? I can't remember.

***2010 THOUGHTS***
* 127 Hours – The worst film nominated this year. If it wins, I'll be pissed.
* Black Swan – The best film nominated this year. Please win.
* The Fighter – Please don't win.
* Inception – You can win, I'll be okay with that.
* The Kids Are All Right – Great film. I would be surprised if this won, but I would be happy.
* The King's Speech – I love this film. I know it's all the rage, so take a bow. You earned it if you win it, kid.
* The Social Network – Oh please win. Just for Trent Reznor.
* Toy Story 3 – I guess it'd be funny if this won. Sort of. I hope it doesn't.
* True Grit – I would be okay with this winning, but it's not as good as The Social Network or Black Swan.
* Winter's Bone – I would also be okay with this winning. This is a really good film, but not as good as The Social Network or Black Swan.

I Really Miss Ryan Manning

2011-02-22T20:59:00.002-05:00

Does anyone remember Ryan Manning? I wish that I could have his name be a link to a blog, but I don't think he has one anymore. Oh well. I want to go back and read every gmail chat I've had with Ryan Manning, and then write a story about him. Or make a movie like Gus Van Sant did with Kurt Cobain in Last Days.

Delirious from Greg Lytle on Vimeo.

Something I Just Remembered

2011-02-20T14:24:00.002-05:00

I was sitting on the steps outside of a psychologist's office in the summer of 2006 or 2007. Some girl around my age walked out of the office and sat a few feet away from me. I remember this for some reason:

*

(Something like five minutes of silence pass)

Girl: So much for reliable rides, huh?

Me: Yeah… yeah, but I don’t really think of myself as a very reliable person. It would be probably be selfish to think other people should be reliable for me.

(A minute and a half of silence passes)

Girl: Yeah. Yeah I guess you’re right.

*

I wonder if that girl remembers me. I wonder why I remember her.

I Was Interviewed By Frances Dinger / I Started Tweeting / Current Projects

2011-02-07T18:34:00.007-05:00

Frances Dinger interviewed me for her blog. It was really fun. Here ii is. Thanks, Frances.

I think it says I'm Frank Hinton in the introduction. I'm not.

I also just started tweeting. Yeah! Let's interact socially on there sometime.

I've got some things on the stove. Some upcoming PANGUR BAN PARTY ebooks. I wrote a poem that will appear on unsure if i will allow my beard to grow much longer pretty soon. Working on some stuff with my ol' buddy, Adam Showalter. So far it's like a collaborative epic poem, maybe.

Auto-Bio Graphi-Cal Hand-Written Robo-Trip From-Two Years-Ago

2011-02-04T04:20:00.007-05:00

I found an old journal about an hour ago. It is currently 4:32 AM EST. The journal contains a chronicle of tripping on cough syrup I hand-wrote like two years ago. I typed it up so you can read it. It is unedited.

*

Saturday Night. 2/28/2009.

8:34 PM EST.

I am preparing tools for the trip. I have the Robo, Peach Snapple iced tea, coffee and water. I have my blanket laid out on the floor with my computer and Hamlet 2 in the DVD player. I have Light Boxes by Shane Jones to read again. I figure that if I start now, I’ll be tripping by 9:30 and be done by 3 AM or 4 AM. I made the coffee with a french press.

9:02 PM EST.

I am considering putting some of the Robo down the drain, but I don’t think I will. I hope I don’t overtrip and vomit. Getting ready to begin. No one is on Gmail or AIM. Here is to a good night.

9:43 PM EST.

I was at a bar with Doom, Bryce, and Matt. Feeling alone. Thoughts such as “I want everyone in this bar to look at me and then forget I exist”, “There is such a sadness”, and “I blew all my money on hookers and then rehab and then strippers” are in my head. I am capable of crying.

10:30 PM EST.

I am sleepy and ready to die. I think I could swallow every pill and just go to sleep. I don’t know.

11:57 PM EST.

Just got off the phone. Here is now. I said, “goodnight.” She said, “goodnight, bye.” I said “bye, I love you.” I wonder if she knew I was tripping. I feel anxious. Sadness = loss of inhibition. Security. Walls collapsing around me. Quickness stems from boredom. I don’t care. The notions of time, work, pleasure, fear, and Africa. I am a person with thoughts and relationships. This is too hard, I want to die. Will I be alive on February 29, 2010? It will be hard. I guess it depends on certain things. Lungs. Who cares? I will map out scenarios, or something.

3:30 AM EST.

Woke up and vomited for like 30 minutes. Going back to sleep now.

*

That's the end of the journal entries in that notebook.

True Story

2011-01-29T10:56:00.003-05:00

I woke up like an hour ago and Crispin showed me this:

The Largest Clitoris in the World over at the metazen.

I really like it. Check it out.

I decided I wanted to make this a blog post. I decide to actually type out the URL for Blogger instead of just clicking on the bookmark. So I typed it. Only I made a mistake and went to bloger.com instead of blogger.com. I'm ruined.

Prompt / Poem / Publishers?

2011-01-19T18:52:00.003-05:00

Adam Coates just gave me an excellent writing prompt:

i demand that you write something

So I wrote this:

it took me all of
the past six years
just to learn that there is no value
in sadness or self-pity.

what will I learn in the next six?

How would you respond to that prompt?

In other news, I have a stack of poems. A friend of mine wrote them and I think they are some of the best poems I've ever read. The series consists of 18 poems and is 1,003 words. If you have any idea of good places to get this series published (in any format: online, chapbook, etc.), kindly let me know through email or by commenting here, or by calling my cell phone, or by killing your parents.

Filthy Sunshine

2011-01-13T23:00:00.001-05:00

12/14/2010 12:50 AM, Doom - How do know anyone if you don't have the time? The passage of time.
12/14/2010 1:12 AM, Doom - I am an abusive wife and soup is my husband!
12/14/2010 1:15 AM, Doom - IT'S JUST TAPE!
12/14/2010 1:21 AM, Doom - Ahh. Mrs. Clinton is just a volcano. And you and me, we're tickets to God.
12/14/2010 1:30 AM, Doom - Aw shit! We ain't washing them coolers if we washing that dog.

12/17/2010 10:28 PM, Doom - I'm sorry you love it, but Honey, it's a pea.

12/19/2010 4:24 AM, Justin - Hahaha. I just turned on a light and, like BOOM!, it was brighter.

12/20/2010 1:09 AM, Justin - The first time Mozart died, he saw a commercial he knew the ending to.

12/20/2010 10:08 PM, Justin - Gas Mechanics! Auto-fighting for freedom!

Two Great Things To Read One Is Older Than The Other

2011-01-13T11:36:00.005-05:00

Here are two great things by great people that you can read right now for free:

he watches a girl in the window walk away for a long time and imagines his wife or Greta Gerwig by Richard Chiem

What the Fuck is an Electrolyte? by Mike Young

Richard Chiem on PANGUR BAN PARTY With What If, Wendy

2010-12-22T16:05:00.002-05:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY is proud to host Richard Chiem and his new short fiction called what if, wendy. I hope that you really like it. If you do, please leave a comment here or on his blog. Thanks!

Things I Said Out Loud While Alone Last Night

2010-12-19T13:11:00.003-05:00

"Dude, I don't know, dude."

"Fall on a shotgun."

"Fucking, like, what is going on?"

"Oh man, my God."

"This is so stupid."

"I'm a fool 'cause I clock a lot."

I was also grinding my teeth to the beat of songs by Nirvana from Incesticide while watching a movie.

Tusk by Stephen O'Toole now on PANGUR BAN PARTY

2010-08-29T16:13:00.002-04:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY is back with some great short fiction by Stephen O'Toole. It is called TUSK and I hope that you really like it. If you do, please leave a comment here or on his blog. Thanks!

Drunk Review Of MAKE-BELIEVE LOVE-MAKING

2010-08-16T21:19:00.003-04:00

I am going to do two reviews of Make-Believe Love-Making. For this one I will be drunk. Later I will do a sober one.

Make-Believe Love-Making is largely sexual. It contains many lines that relate to sex, but in a good and depressing way. It is brutally honest, and I like that.

but mostly in room
when i practice with bananas

That is a good example of brutal sexual honesty by Ana.

Ana also talks about the cock:

"if my penis were 2678.64 miles long
i would totally be fucking you
right now"

i'll let you write one on my stomach
with your semen

Even the lines that aren't about sex are good.

come back and kiss me and tell me if i taste
like burned cream

One of my favorite poems talks about a bad haircut.

More brutal honesty:

i can't cry this fast
i can't cry this loud

can i?

Pleasre order Ana's chapbook, Make-Believe Love-Making, by clicking here.

Museum

2010-08-13T05:31:00.000-04:00

The museum was conceived and founded by Barry Levenson, former Assistant Attorney General of Wisconsin. It centers on a mustard collection he began in 1986 while despondent over the failure of his favorite baseball team, the Boston Red Sox, to win the 1986 World Series.

'Other' Magazine Publishes Bear Poem By Lauren Todd

2010-07-30T18:37:00.002-04:00

'Other' Magazine' is one of the best places to hang out on the internet. Please read and enjoy the newly posted Bear Poem by Lauren Todd. Click here to read it. If you are feeling extra great, leave a comment on the site about it!

PBP Update

2010-07-25T22:46:00.001-04:00

There are now two upcoming ebooks. The chapbooks are way behind schedule, but I'm working on it. Please, I'm sorry, thank you.

Reviving

2010-07-14T21:08:00.002-04:00

I have been reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis and listening to a lot of sad music. I'm sorry to everyone that I've neglected about PANGUR BAN PARTY. I've been busy with real life, but I want to revive it soon. I hope to reply to a lot of e-mails in the near future. If you are especially upset, let me know and I'll give you money.

New Wave Vomit / Crispin Raps

2010-05-19T19:39:00.005-04:00

Click somewhere up there to listen to Crispin singing me a song.

I have a poem on NEW WAVE VOMIT, the latest and greatest journal out there.

Reading

2010-05-10T22:33:00.002-04:00

I went to a reading at the Wooden Shoe in Philadelphia last week. It was fun. I met some people from the Broad Set Writing Collective and read some poems. Everyone was very nice and cool and I want to thank everyone involved. We can do this.

Adam Coates Guest Post

2010-04-19T22:53:00.001-04:00

fuck that socionormative lifestyle

i have eaten a lot of cauliflower tonight

i am looking at expensive beer and wondering if i will drink it

if i sleep soon my life tomorrow will feel nice

if i keep doing what i am doing my life will feel bad

i will sleep soon

the houmous on my desk slowly turns bad at room temperature

the freedom i feel around you is like falling from a commercial airplane

sunlight is an aphrodisiac

if Microsoft word automatically edits my writing can i truly call it my own?

this story starts with green tea

after boiling water and waiting for it to settle i poured it into the broken teapot that I have.

i felt a little annoyed because I forgot to pour out the first brew.

i have never truly noticed the difference, but a lot of the enjoyment I get from drinking tea is based in ritual behavior.

while I climbed stairs my phone made noises.

i lied about the last poem i will ever type

i do not think it is possible to fall in love over the internet

i think it might be unhealthy to attempt that

obsessive maybe

i will make bread tomorrow: “exceptional circumstances”

sometimes you just have to suck it up and realise you are one animal amongst billions of other on this planet

sometimes it is best to act like a plant

sometimes girls will say things that seem like an invitation but are actually a rejection

i could live forever and still not notice the freckle on your nose

we should all be buried under rubble

that is what we need

let’s fuck but not get married

All images stolen from here

Giles Ruffer / Chris Killen / Adam Robison And Other Poems / Noah Cicero

2010-04-04T16:57:00.004-04:00

Check out the newest PANGUR BAN PARTY additions:

I really enjoyed Adam Robison And Other Poems. He seems very well-read, and is both thought-provoking and funny at the same time. It's a gem.

I've recently gotten back into Noah Cicero in a huge way. I think his stuff is so good. You should definitely order The Insurgent right now. I highly recommend all of his books. You can actually order Burning Babies from Amazon right now, which if I understand correctly, is sort of rare. I picked up my copy right away and loved it.

A Ramble Post

2010-03-14T22:38:00.004-04:00

Please enjoy the latest editions to PANGUR BAN PARTY:

Master Of The Universe by Reynard Seifert

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer by P. Edward Cunningham

I've recently had three encounters concerning talking about PANGUR BAN PARTY in real life and found myself at a loss of words, not really able to describe it in a conversation and not seem weird. Has anyone else ever encountered that concerning writing and/or publishing?

Outside / THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME

2010-02-17T23:05:00.003-05:00

Read/enjoy/comment on the new PANGUR BAN PARTY online publication. It is called Outside by Socrates Adams-Florou.

Everyone in the world needs to read THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME by Sam Pink. I have a messed up copy that I ordered from Amazon, and I can tell already that it's amazing. He promises copies that are printed perfectly coming soon. I urge you to read it.

I haven't written much lately. I will try to fix this soon. I promise. My blog isn't dead or anything.

PANGUR BAN PARTY chapbooks are coming soon. Be excited.

My Name Is Mud / Drew Kalbach / Richard Wehrenberg Jr.

2010-01-29T12:02:00.004-05:00

A poem I wrote is up at My Name Is Mud.

Two new things are posted at PANGUR BAN PARTY:

NATIONAL MOVEMENT by Drew Kalbach.

BIGFOOT by Richard Wehrenberg Jr.

I hope that you read and love all of those things.

I ordered THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME the second that I saw it on Sam Pink's blog, but then he told me through Gmail chat that the Amazon edition was messed up and he would send me a new one. I am excited to read that. I love anything by Sam Pink (including his piece that I read in the MLP Anthology 1 that I just read and loved and think you should order right now by clicking here).

Shaun Gannon / Michael J. Solender

2010-01-12T23:18:00.004-05:00

Please read/enjoy/comment on the two newest pieces over at PANGUR BAN PARTY:

Casual Glory; or, Macaulay Culkin Does Nothing by Shaun Gannon

Dangling About by Michael J. Solender

Brittany Wallace / Sarah Spinelli / PBP Print #2 Delayed

2009-12-28T12:56:00.003-05:00

Please read, enjoy, and comment on the two newest PANGUR BAN PARTY e-books:

daylight arrives like a brick through my window by Brittany Wallace

we have this space between us growing at an alarming rate by Sarah Spinelli

In other not-so-great news, I am forced to delay the publication of the second PANGUR BAN PARTY Print. It is formatted and ready for the printers, but I unfortunately am currently a little low on cash to actually get it printed. I will keep you updated and get them out as soon as I am able.

PANGUR BAN PARTY Print #2 Underway

2009-12-01T19:03:00.003-05:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY print #2 is officially underway! It will feature work from the following terrific writers:

Nathan Logan

J.A. Tyler

Josh Kleinberg

Michael Hessel-Mial

Adam J. Maynard

David Peak

Martin Wall

Adam Moorad

Ben Brooks

Eric Beeny

Ana Carette

Greg Santos

Mel Bosworth

Look for it to come out in the next couple of weeks! And yes, it will be FREE!

Orientation By Jordan Castro / Promotional Video He Made / Meeting Ana Carrete

2009-11-23T18:50:00.005-05:00

There is a new piece of short fiction on PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is Orientation by Jordan Castro. Give it a read. Enjoy it. Leave some comments.

Here is his promotional video:

I was San Diego last week for work and I met Ana Carrete. She was late. She drank two Stella Atrois beers. I gave her a PANGUR BAN PARTY card and the waitress looked at it and said, "Cool card. I like the wolf!" We played Kelly Clarkson on a jukebox. We walked around San Diego and she said she felt drunk and I told her to do jumping jacks. I beat her in jumping jacks 5-0. I tried on a leather jacket in a thrift store but Ana was afraid to go in because she thought the store clerk would ask if we needed assistance. We walked around some more. Later, she got in her car and left.

Cat Sitting / Joint Poem With David Fishkind

2009-11-09T22:46:00.008-05:00

Read/comment/enjoy Cat Sitting by Frank Hinton, now on PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Since PANGUR BAN PARTY is now focusing on chapbooks, I will be stricter with what e-books become published on the site. If you really want an e-book, please read the submission guidelines and other PANGUR BAN PARTY e-books to see what I am looking for.

David Fishkind and I wrote a compilation poem today. Here it is:

i will be dead soon.
please publish my memoir
post-humously.
call it 'fucking gay shit',
and make it consist
only of this paragraph.

PANGUR BAN PARTY Now Accepting Chapbook Manuscripts

2009-11-07T16:23:00.005-05:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY is in full-on chapbook mania mode. The second anthology chapbook is slated to release around mid-December. I plan on making vast improvements to the quality of this chapbook as compared to the previous anthology chapbook. The quality of the paper will be much better than it was the first time around, and there will be a cover page made from heavy paper. It will have a nice cover image and everything.

PANGUR BAN PARTY is now accepting chapbook manuscript submissions. I don't have strict submission guidelines, but it should be 20-25 chapbook pages, poetry or short fiction pieces. E-mail submissions to deejberndt@gmail.com as an attached file or in the body. I am not picky. Again, the quality of the chapbook will be higher than my previous chapbook. It will be close to the quality of a Greying Ghost chapbook.

EDIT: To clarify, I am currently accepting submissions for:

PANGUR BAN PARTY e-books

PANGUR BAN PARTY anthology print

PANGUR BAN PARTY chapbooks

Come On In!

2009-11-01T19:31:00.004-05:00

I have decided what to do with the some more of my copies of During My Nervous Breakdown I Want To Have A Biographer Present. I am going to attach stickers that promote PANGUR BAN PARTY to the inside front cover and donate fifty copies to DogStar Books, a local independent bookstore. I have yet to e-mail the owner and inform him of my idea, but I am of the opinion that it benefits all parties involved. We'll see, I guess.

I also made business card for PANGUR BAN PARTY. Here is a picture of what they look like (the sticker is on top, the business card is on the bottom):

THE DRUNK SONNETS Promotional Post

2009-10-28T18:58:00.003-04:00

I know I've said it before, but Daniel Bailey is one of my favorite online writers. I just finished reading his new book, THE DRUNK SONNETS. which you should order now, you should order now, you should order now, you should order now, you should order now, you should order now, you should order now, you should order now.

The poems are sad and beautiful and funny. They are brilliant. They are yours to own, so own them. He even mentions PANGUR BAN PARTY on the back in his bio. What a guy.

You should order now.

Corey Whaley / Twitter / Second Print / Contest / Adam Showalter Blog

2009-10-26T19:44:00.005-04:00

Please read/enjoy/comment on the newest PANGUR BAN PARTY addition, Free Nights And Weekends, by Corey Whaley.

In other news, PANGUR BAN PARTY now has a Twitter. I will update it fairly regularly, so please follow.

Now for the big news. I am officially announcing that PANGUR BAN PARTY will be doing a second print! Anyone who has appeared in PANGUR BAN PARTY since the first print is eligible and encouraged to submit poems or short fiction to me. This time around there will be more prints and it will be longer, so hold on to your hats.

I am holding a contest! I just won 128 copies of During My Nervous Breakdown I Want To Have A Biographer Present. I will send a copy to the wildebeest winners from awhile back, and also whoever can come up with the best title for the second PANGUR BAN PARTY print. There is one rule, though. All words for the title must be from the Pangur Ban poem (bonus points if the words are consecutive).

My dear friend Adam Showalter has finally made his first post on his blog. It is a really cool picture. Go check it out! Please comment and encourage him to continue blogging.

E-Mail me your ideas for the second print title and I will send you a free copy of During My Nervous Breakdown I Want To Have A Biographer Present if you win! Good luck! Love life!

Dzanc Nominations / Is PBP Eligible? / Don't Be Upset With Me

2009-10-21T12:09:00.007-04:00

I've been reading a lot about this Dzanc Best Of The Web thing. I'm not sure if PANGUR BAN PARTY is eligible for this sort of thing, but I figured I would at least check it out. I went to the site and saw that the application was extremely short and easy to use, so I filled it out.

Next I debated between keeping my PANGUR BAN PARTY nominations a secret or posting them on this blog. I decided for the latter because I think that this community is (mostly) supportive and it would be great to see some support for PANGUR BAN PARTY writers. Here are my nominations:

The Nurse And The Patient by Adam Moorad

When We Take Off Our Heads by J.A. Tyler

Bernhard Goetz by Sam Pink

I hope that no one is angry or upset that I posted that.

Remix Horndog

2009-10-16T14:58:00.003-04:00

I am published on A Blog Of Remixes Of Exceptional Quality. Read it here. Big thanks to Michael Hessel-Mial, a very cool dude.

Adam Coates recently published a great Gmail Chat status: "always a horndog". I think that this Gmail Chat status speaks to me. Good job.

I Am Back

2009-10-14T18:30:00.006-04:00

I know, I know. It's been way too long since I've last made a blog post. I'm sure if you follow this blog, you know of both recent PANGUR BAN PARTY releases:

Seven Ways To Tell

Beautiful Broken

In other big news, you should definitely order Questions About Life And Shit, which is something I am very proud to be a part of. It looks amazing. Buy it!

I don't think I have much else to report, which is partly why I haven't been posting much. I don't want this blog to only be weekly posts about PANGUR BAN PARTY, but I'm not sure what else to say. I also don't want this blog to die, though. People keep saying that they miss me, and I don't want to disappear. So let it me known throughout the land that I am not dead. I am still here. Message me on G-Mail chat or something if you don't believe me.

Greg Santos Now On PANGUR BAN PARTY / Read More Adam Moorad / Read More Martin Wall

2009-09-08T19:28:00.005-04:00

The work week is once again underway, and with it comes (as always) the newest release from PANGUR BAN PARTY. This time it is Greg Santos with his poetry series called Thinking Things Through. Here are some blurbs in case you weren't ready to go read it:

"From faraway hotel rooms to quiet rides in the country, from Perfect Strangers to late-night infomercials, from a Mickey Mouse alarm clock to an all-too-familiar snooze button, and from cheese fries and 3 a.m. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Cheetos to Pepto-Bismol, Greg Santos's poems detail, essentially, what all we Gen Y-ers must sadly recognize--or, perhaps, proudly claim--as the sobering truths that daily remind us, whether we like it or not, that we are growing up."
-Molly Gaudry, author of We Take Me Apart

"Thinking Things Through is the literary equivalent of poutine. It's a mash up of high and low culture with gravy on top. The kind of thing you devour at 3 in the morning regardless of the consequences."
-Ben Mirov, Poetry Editor for LIT

"in these poems greg santos gives thanks to george foreman. he claims to be a lemur. he writes about clicky pencils, ab masters, oscar meyer weiners and mecha squirrels. reading these poems made me think greg santos genuinely killed a dragon but then got nervous and said he didn't. well done greg santos. that dragon was a dick."
-Crispin Best, wealthiest and healthiest man in the world

Read it, enjoy it, leave some comments. Your comments are always appreciated!

I want to throw some attention towards two writers who have been producing work of the highest quality for quite some time:

The first is a stellar poet who writes under the name Martin Wall. I really admire this poet for his consistently extraordinary poems that he features almost solely on his blog. Many people (myself included) mostly post poetry on magazines and journals, but Martin Wall seems to be in it just for the words. I really admire him and his work. Please stop by his blog, read some exceptional poems, and let him know how much you enjoy them.

I also want to give a shout-out to one of my absolute favorite fiction writers on the whole wide internet. His name is Adam Moorad. If you haven't already, you absolutely must check out his newest piece of fiction, Oikos. I've been following him for awhile, and I am seriously and completely AMAZED that this guy is not on everyone's list. I actually feel like my day has been significantly changed after reading a short story written by Adam Moorad. Every time I see a new blog post by him, I become excited that he has a new story out. Do yourself a favor and read Oikos, Che Guevara, Star-Spangled Enterprise, and Penetralia. Of course, let him know that you enjoy his work over at his blog.

Have a great time!

Ana Carrete On PANGUR BAN PARTY

2009-08-31T18:27:00.003-04:00

Ana Carrete is now on PANGUR BAN PARTY with her poetry series, PENIS ENVY. I think the inspiration came from her massive amounts of penis envy. I hope that you read, enjoy it, and leave feedback!

I've really been enjoying Mozart Plays The Violin by Giles Ruffer. You should too.

I discovered this after following a StatCounter referral. Anyone find this strange?

Lisa Ladehoff has been blogging again. Everyone should welcome her back with hard hugs and light kisses.

Eric Beeny Join PANGUR BAN PARTY / Daniel Bailey Posts Awesome Video / Wildebeest Books

2009-08-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

You can now view The Dying Bloom by Eric Beeny on PANGUR BAN PARTY. I hope that you read it and enjoy it and leave feedback.

I really love this video posted by Daniel Bailey to promote his upcoming book (that you probably have already pre-ordered, but definitely should if you haven't) THE DRUNK SONNETS. I am really, really looking forward to this book. Daniel Bailey has been one of my favorite Blogger poets for a long time now.

I am still trying to coordinate with Wildebeest contest winners about what books to use. I have not forgotten you.

Ben Brooks Joins The PANGUR BAN PARTY

2009-08-17T20:20:00.002-04:00

The charming and lovely Ben Brooks is now on PANGUR BAN PARTY with his short fiction, This Body Is My Body (And I Want To Use It). Please read it. Please enjoy it. Please comment on it if you feel like it.

Sam Pink's BERNHARD GOETZ Now On PANGUR BAN PARTY

2009-08-10T19:19:00.004-04:00

I am very pleased to release BERNHARD GOETZ by Sam Pink today on PANGUR BAN PARTY. Please read it and leave feedback. This is very exciting for me and for PANGUR BAN PARTY, and I'd like to thank everyone who takes the time to read it.

I will be holding my kitten experiment sometime next week to determine what books the wildebeest winners will receive. Don't fret, I have not forgotten about you lovely fellows.

Thank you all, you handsome boys and girls.

Wildebeest Winners / The Nurse And The Patient

2009-08-02T22:15:00.002-04:00

The winners of the wildebeest contest have been decided! There were many superb submissions, and I want to extend my thanks to all participants. Here are the winners:

THIRD PLACE: Crispin Best for his poem:

there is a wildebeest in our jacuzzi.

he looks cheesed off maybe.

we are looking at the wildebeest

from inside the kitchen.

i am wearing my underwear.

you are wearing your underwear.

i say “i feel a little constrained by this wildebeest”

and look at your stomach.

you say “shit”

in a swedish accent.

and it’s good because you are good at swedish accents

and i am kind of afraid of wildebeest.

SECOND PLACE: Adam Coates for his video:

FIRST PLACE: Mathew Savoca for his three poems:

wildebeest 1

wildebeest can live up to 2.5 years in captivity

where they are allowed to reach old age

but in the wild, nature is cruel

their average life span is only 4 months

because of hawks, owls, foxes, etc.

a baby wildebeest will open its eyes

approximately 10-14 days after birth

wildebeest 2

do you know how many times you have to feed

a baby wildebeest every day?

this is not a conversation we have put through telephone wires

there isn't anywhere to walk here in the valley

unless you want to go up, or down, but then you have to go up

wildebeest 3

my notebook has a big green wildebeest on the cover

haha

he has one tooth, big round eyes, and seems to be blushing

there are buildings behind him

he's touching his mouth

and holding a cartoon japanese girl in his arms

it's really funny

Good job everyone! The winners will receive a small amount of American cash and a free book. I will determine what book to send each of the winners by laying severeal books out and placing cat treats on them. Then I will release a kitten three times. After the three books have been chosen, I will let the winners pick, with first place getting first pick, second place getting second pick, and third place getting third pick. Congratulations everyone and everything!

In other news, please read/enjoy/comment on The Nurse And The Patient by Adam Moorad. It is this week's release on PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Fan Base Increasing

2009-07-28T22:24:00.002-04:00

The Dead Space Of April By David Peak

2009-07-27T18:37:00.001-04:00

The Dead Space Of April by David Peak is now on PANGUR BAN PARTY. Please read/comment/enjoy.

Animated

2009-07-23T18:38:00.004-04:00

The awesome and amazing Adam Coates animated a poem of mine that appears in the free chapbook Doubts I Love. If you want to read the poem, order the chapbook for free.

I'm On The Most Wanted List + I'm Finna

2009-07-21T18:09:00.004-04:00

Adam Coates reported me to the UK police.

I'M FINNA START ALL CONVERSATIONS LIKE THIS FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER is the newest PANGUR BAN PARTY release. It is written by Daniel Bailey and Sasha Fletcher. Please read/enjoy/comment if you liked it.

There are still many free copies of Doubts I Love available. Please e-mail me your mailing address and I will send you one for free. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don't you?

Porn

2009-07-18T12:04:00.000-04:00

Porn.

New Stapler Arrived; New Positive Outlook On Life

2009-07-15T19:10:00.002-04:00

My new stapler arrived today! That was a very quick delivery. I am pleased.

The chapbook looks so much better now. Please send me your address for a free copy. If you receive a poorly stapled copy, e-mail me your address again for one that is stapled properly!

Zachary Zimmerman is going to donate a copy of the Read Some Words chapbook to the winner of the wildebest contest. Please submit! Relevant informational links are here and here.

Free chapbook! Stapled well!

Happy Birthday Crispin Best

2009-07-14T23:14:00.001-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISPIN BEST.

I Ordered A Booklet Stapler

2009-07-14T19:39:00.003-04:00

I ordered a better stapler. It is a long reaching booklet stapler. If you receive your copies of the chapbook and think, "This is stapled so poorly that I hate DJ and want another one that is stapled better!" then I will send you another one that is stapled better. Here is a picture of how poorly stapled they are:

I can't wait to make some copies that are well-stapled. I am putting all orders on hold until my new stapler arrives.

My Fiftieth Post

2009-07-13T19:43:00.003-04:00

This is my fiftieth blog entry to this blog. Congratulate me and I'll send you a free copy of the PANGUR BAN PARTY print (it is stapled poorly so you can barely read it). Just kidding, I'll send you a free copy if you tell me where you live (but seriously, it is stapled poorly so you can barely read it).

I mailed out orders today for all contributors and anyone who has requested a copy. I drew pictures on a yellow pieces of paper and put them in the envelopes, too. Attention: I only have a regular hand desktop stapler thing. I don't have a fancy one. The print is stapled poorly so you have to like angle the pages sometimes to read it fully. Everyone is going to hate me.

The PANGUR BAN PARTY print is stapled poorly. In case you forgot.

Check out buryburybury by Martin Wall up at PANGUR BAN PARTY. Read and enjoy and comment if you liked it.

I want to submit some PANGUR BAN PARTY things to Best of the Net 2009 but don't know which pieces. If any impartial judges e-mail me suggestions on what to submit, I'll send you a free copy of the PANGUR BAN PARTY print (it is stapled poorly so you can barely read it). Just kidding, I'll send you a free copy if you tell me where you live (but seriously, it is stapled poorly so you can barely read it).

I'm obviously very nervous about this staple situation. Please help me.

Please submit to the wildebeest contest. You can win free stuff for free. Relevant informational links are here and here.

It's stapled so poorly.

Wildebeest Contest

2009-07-11T15:33:00.006-04:00

Jillian Clark is hosting a contest. I am assisting. You can read the full details here.

The contest is about wildebeest. Submit art and prose to Jillian Clark at joyfuljillian@gmail.com

Here are examples of wildebeest-related art:

"No Friends Wildebeest" by DJ Berndt:

"Self Portrait With Bird Ass Wildebeest" by Jillian Clark:

Please submit to the contest and happy wildebeesting!

***UPDATE***

Jillian and I are each coming up with a prize for the contest. My prize is going to be 2 random books. The winner of the contest will pick a number from 5 - 13, and I will film a real live kitten walking around a pile of randomly placed books. After the number of seconds that the winner chooses is up, the two books that the kitten is closest to will be the two books that I mail the winner. There will also be other prizes, such as homemade bookmarks and some cash that I will mail. The amount of cash will depend on the amount of submissions received, so tell all of your friends to enter!

Your Eyes By xTx On PBP / Update On PBP Print / Future Writers Of PBP

2009-07-08T18:32:00.004-04:00

As many of you already know, the newest collection of words to PANGUR BAN PARTY is Your Eyes by the amazing and wonderful xTx. Please read and enjoy and comment.

The PBP print is off and running. I am holding the first copy in my hands. In a few days I will go to Kinko's or Staples or something and make 75 copies. I will send three copies to each of the ten contributors, leaving 45 copies to send to anyone who wants one for free. Just e-mail me your mailing address and a copy is yours.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to follow PANGUR BAN PARTY. Future writers include Daniel Bailey & Sasha Fletcher, Ben Brooks, David Peak, T.R. Castillo, Karissa Satchwell, Drew Kalbach, and Corey Whaley. I hope that you are as excited as I am!

The Wind Is Strong, But We Masturbate Against It

2009-07-01T20:32:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wonder about poetry. I think that maybe we're all just talking to a thing that isn't listening. To a world that has moved on. We're all, all of us, trying to communicate to some nameless organic entity that died a long time ago. It's like trying to love something that doesn't exist. Is that what art is? The pursuit of creation in a vacuum. Tracking all of the thoughts that are worth capturing to watch them keep disappearing, keep fading away. Continuing to come up with new ways to think them, to hunt them down and place a finger or some part of us on them. To weigh them down. To stop them. To watermark a piece of this feeling. Keep clinging to the small victories that emerge from this poetry. Even if it's not art, even if we're all just masturbating against the wind.

I don't know what we're doing, but I'm glad we're doing it.

Happy Daze (The Sequel) Now On PANGUR BAN PARTY

2009-06-29T21:44:00.003-04:00

Check out/comment/enjoy Happy Daze (The Sequel) by Adam J Maynard, now on PANGUR BAN PARTY.

I'm working on the PANGUR BAN PARTY print, but have had no luck. I tried to upload it to Issuu, but there are issues with the spacing and font. My printer is being lame and not working. I am trying. I will figure it out eventually. Thanks.

What's new with you?

What Matters Most Is How Well You Sink Through The Water

2009-06-21T22:50:00.003-04:00

Here are three things that are good and that I am excited for:

1) The release of i am rainbow by Michael Hessel-Mial, which is currently the newest release from PANGUR BAN PARTY.

2) The Read Some Words chapbook. I have some words in it, alongside many really good authors. I am proud. Additional and ordering information can be found here.

3) Adam Coates is finishing up a project that sounds really good. Contact him to order it and receive a bunch of goodies, including work by me and other good people.

Husky Of Honor By Josh Kleinberg Released

2009-06-15T21:10:00.001-04:00

Husky Of Honor, short fiction by Josh Kleinberg, is now a part of PANGUR BAN PARTY. Please read, comment and enjoy!

New Release From PANGUR BAN PARTY: When We Take Off Our Heads By J.A. Tyler

2009-06-08T18:25:00.003-04:00

Please check out/comment/enjoy When We Take Off Our Heads, the newest PANGUR BAN PARTY release. It is by J.A. Tyler.

DICK Is Released!

2009-06-01T19:14:00.003-04:00

DICK is now released on PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Since the HTML Giant interview, I have received over 50 submissions. It will take me awhile to go through all of them carefully. If you have submitted and are awaiting response, please be patient. I promise I will respond to every single e-mail and I will consider every submission carefully.

HTMLGIANT Interview

2009-05-28T19:35:00.003-04:00

Sam Pink interviewed me for HTMLGIANT. You can read it here. I really like his questions, I enjoy Sam Pink very much.

If you are first encountering this blog because of the HTMLGIANT interview, please submit to PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Also, PANGUR BAN PARTY is now on Duotrope Digest. It's been incredible watching PANGUR BAN PARTY grow. Thanks to everyone involved.

I Need To Update My Blog More Often

2009-05-27T22:00:00.004-04:00

I haven't been updating my blog enough recently.

The PANGUR BAN PARTY print is off to a pretty solid start. I'm just about ready to start printing and binding, then I'll start collecting addresses to mail it off. Several people have already said they would help promote it, which is encouraging.

If you are wondering about the lack of new ebooks on the PANGUR BAN PARTY site, don't worry because there is plenty on the way. June 1st is when Nathan Logan's poetry comes out, June 8th will be the release of J.A. Tyler's poetry, June 15th will be Josh Kleinburg's turn with some short fiction, and on June 22nd Michael Hessel-Mial will have some poetry on the site. June will be a good month for PANGUR BAN PARTY.

I'm really looking forward to the Read Some Words chapbook. I have a few pieces in it. Here is my MS Paint self-portrait:

I wish I was as good as Emily Seigenthaler at MS Paint.

Ryan Manning Made A Promotional Video For Nathan Logan's Forthcoming PANGUR BAN PARTY Publication

2009-05-07T15:20:00.003-04:00

Ryan Manning made a promotional video for DICK, which is the next publication for PANGUR BAN PARTY written by Nathan Logan.

PBP Print Update Plus cookiebomb Publication

2009-05-05T15:53:00.002-04:00

Ryan Manning published something I wrote on cookiebomb. I feel very happy and proud.

I almost have all of the submissions for the PANGUR BAN PARTY free print. I am in San Diego until the 15th, and I will get started on it when I return.

New PANGUR BAN PARTY Release: The Moon Is Essentially Gray By Jillian Clark

2009-04-30T19:13:00.002-04:00

The newest addition to PANGUR BAN PARTY is now up. It is the moon is essentially gray by Jillian Clark. Read, enjoy, comment.

I read Everything Was Fine Until Whatever by Chelsea Martin the other day and enjoyed it quite a bit. I highly suggest you order it.

A poem that I wrote is published on decomP magazine.

Minimalism as a disguise for laziness.

Go Ninja Go Ninja Go By Crispin Best, Newest Addidtion to PANGUR BAN PARTY

2009-04-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

Please read and enjoy and comment on Go Ninja Go Ninja Go by Crispin Best. It is the newest addition to PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Here is praise for Go Ninja Go Ninja Go by Crispin Best:

"Reading 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go' by Crispin Best is like falling down the stairs multiplied by 0.25. That is to say, it hurts a little, but it gives you something to think about for a little while. My favourite line has the word 'pussy' in it. 'GNGNG' reminds me how much I hate Krang and Bebop and Rocksteady."

-Chris East, professional blurber.

"I used to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid. Raphael was my favorite. When I saw what this book was it made me smile and think of my childhood. It's a very fun little book... I liked the part with the iPhone the best"

-Shane Jones, author of Light Boxes

"very good"

-Ryan Manning, superb person

"i read go ninja go ninja go by crispin best and skipped over some parts. at first he accidentally sent me the link to a young girl's blog from 2005 and i liked reading that a lot, i didn't skip over any of it."

-Matthew Savoca, author of i am being honest

"gngng is sexily imagined, delightfully crafted and executed with the precision of a ninja. crispin best is my hero in a half shell. he will be yours too if you read this collection."

- Rebecca Perry, a girl that Crispin Best has a crush on

"probably the best literature i've read concerning the teenage mutant ninja turtles since the back description of the secret of ooze vhs."

-David Fishkind, inventor of the dictionary

"after reading go ninja go ninja go the only thing i wanted to do was eat pizza and be vanilla ice's height man. i think crispin best could be the next 'casey jones'. i just sneezed and got snot on my window. thats pretty funny"

-Glen Binger, professional wrestler maybe

"this book is a stupid jerk. it stole my lunch money. now I can't eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chocolate milk after study hall. stupid jerk book."

-DJ Berndt, me.

"i liked reading Crispin Best's Ninja Turtle fiction a lot. i noticed Crispin Best on gchat today but was invisible and didn't chat to him because i felt mild panic about not getting notes made on the thing that i then went and made notes on. i am sure Crispin Best feels fine about me not talking to him on gchat. Crispin Best is a good guy."

-Chris Killen, author of The Bird Room

"I fucking hate crispin apples but you will want to read this more than eat a bad apple."

-Patrick Ritt, author of a fantastic blog called GO TO BED EARLY AND TALK TO YOUR PILLOW

I hope to have all of the content for the free PANGUR BAN PARTY print by May 4th. Then I will start getting addresses and mail it out for free to anyone who wants it. It will consist of work by everyone that has been featured on PANGUR BAN PARTY so far, plus one more person whose poetry series is yet to be released.

I hope that you enjoy the latest edition to PANGUR BAN PARTY, Go Ninja Go Ninja Go by Crispin Best. I also hope that you e-mail me your address when the times comes to receive a free print.

Soon We Won't Be Friends

2009-04-13T22:47:00.002-04:00

Three of my poems have been published on Read Some Words.

Crispin Best animated a gchat we had here.

Zachary Zimmerman said nice thing about me here.

GO TO BED EARLY AND TALK TO YOUR PILLOW

2009-04-10T08:53:00.003-04:00

PANGUR BAN PARTY now has a legitimate URL. it is pangurbanparty.com. I feel positive feelings about this.

I would like to thank Adam Coates and Glen Binger for promoting submissions to PANGUR BAN PARTY. I am excited about doing a print, but have received no submissions. I will have to promote it more, or be more patient.

Speaking of Glen Binger, be on the lookout for his upcoming novella. I'm pretty sure he will e-mail you a copy of it if you ask him, and I think that you should. I have read it and I enjoyed it. I encourage you to check it out.

There is a really good blog called GO TO BED EARLY AND TALK TO YOUR PILLOW that I would like you to read. Thank you.

Remember to keep the submissions coming for PANGUR BAN PARTY, both online and in the upcoming free print!

New PANGUR BAN PARTY Release: All In Together Now By Chris East

2009-04-08T18:28:00.003-04:00

Check out All In Together Now by Chris East. It is the newest addition to PANGUR BAN PARTY.

I want to do a print. It is still in the planning phases, but I would like to publish short fiction and poetry in a chapbook and then mail it out for free to anyone that wants a copy. Anyone already in PANGUR BAN PARTY has priority for submitting, but please e-mail me your short fiction and poetry and I will consider it for the print or to be on PANGUR BAN PARTY.

Also, please read and comment on Adam Showalter's awesome poem here. Adam Showalter will have a blog very soon, as in like the next two weeks.

In conclusion, please read All In Together Now by Chris East, Adam Showalter's poem, and e-mail me your submissions for PANGUR BAN PARTY and/or my upcoming free print.

Brandi Wells Review

2009-04-04T10:34:00.003-04:00

I have contributed to the Brandi Wells Review. You should too. Brandi Wells seems like a good person and she is nice and she doesn't reject you and if I had to guess I would say she probably likes old people and puppies and every being in between even the ugly ones. Maybe even especially the ugly ones.

Fight the good fight. Contribute to the Brandi Wells Review and feel good about yourself by seeing your writing on the internet and for helping a person who likes even the ugly puppies.

New PANGUR BAN PARTY Release: Softcore Lolitas By Ryan Manning

2009-04-01T18:21:00.006-04:00

There is a new poetry series on PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is softcore lolitas by Ryan Manning. Many people have read it already, as PBP has more hits today than it ever has. Good job Ryan Manning.

"I tried to read Ryan Manning's poetry at work, but people kept looking over my shoulder. When I did read it, it was not as dirty as I had hoped, but was in fact sad and nice."
-Chris East, founder and CEO of Apple Computers

"The international internet superhero, ryan manning, has yet again continued to raise awareness of awkward emotions. Before the first reading the word I kept thinking of was 'sexy' but after reading it a second time I couldn't help but think about how happily uncomfortable I was."
-Glen Binger, author of TWO MILLION LITTLER PIECES: A SEQUEL

If you want me to add your blurb in this post, gchat message or e-mail me or leave it in the comments and I will. Thanks!

A poem I wrote is going to be in next month's decomP.

they say that
you see yourself
in other people.

this is especially true
at your own intervention
or at someone else's funeral.

I wrote that after reading a lot of Bukowski. I wrote it in an e-mail to Adam Showalter (who will have a blog soon, promise). I'll submit it around and see what happens. Happy April!

tribute to a new life, New PANGUR BAN PAN PARTY Release

2009-03-24T22:43:00.005-04:00

Please read the newest PANGUR BAN PARTY release, it is called tribute to a real life by David Fishkind.

I did not gather blurbs. I have been asking for blurbs a lot lately. If you want to, please leave a blurb in the comments and I will make a blog entry containing the blurbs or something.

David Fishkind has a cool blog. You should read it.

Thanks to Chris East because he's awesome and he's writing for PANGUR BAN PARTY and he mentioned me here. You fight the good fight, sir.

New PANGUR BAN PARTY Release: We Are Only Bodies by Kristen Shaw

2009-03-22T09:41:00.003-04:00

There is a new series of poetry on PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is We Are Only Bodies by Kristen Shaw. I am sure you will enjoy it. If you do, leave some feedback on Kristen's blog and then recycle your neighbor's garbage even if it isn't recyclable because that's what a responsible Earthling would do.

Here is what people are saying about We Are Only Bodies by Kristen Shaw:

"i found a typo in these poems. now it is fixed. i think 'can I cuddle with Baudelaire in a bath tub?' is a nice line. i feel like there is some sex in these poems, but there might not be. sex as a thing is probably ok.'
-Crispin Best, author of The Zero People You Meet In Heaven

"who made the pictures? i feel like 'noodling' is a word but i don't know what it means"
-Ryan Manning, author of The Thirteen And A Half Habits of Highly Effective Teens

"my mind is slow but my fingers are fast. I suck at the piano, but I'm a damned good lay. This poetry scared me and made me worry that my fast fingers will become useless bloody stumps and being a good lay won't even matter anymore."
-Chris East, author of the parts of the The Bible where Jesus is thinking too hard about why people want to kill him

"I'm sorry I spelled 'Mein Kampf' incorrectly before."
-That Nazi Who Blurbs Poetry

"Raaawwrrr I want eat you or maybe we can just cuddle a little."
-A Lion

Be on the lookout for even more PANGUR BAN PARTY releases in the near future. Authors include Ryan Manning, Chris East, and Crispin Best.

Since PANGUR BAN PARTY is going so well, I think that I want to buy a real domain name instead of using the poor man's blogspot publication. www.pbparty.com is already taken. What do you think I should use? www.pbparty.net? is www.pangurbanparty.com too complex?

Please read We Are Only Bodies by Kristen Shaw. You will enjoy it, I promise. Please also remember to leave feedback here or on her blog. You don't have to recycle if you don't want to.

Happiness

2009-03-19T19:48:00.008-04:00

Please check out Chick Magnet by Chris East. It is still growing, there is still time. Take action. I promise you will love it and it might love you a little, too.

Emily Siegenthaler is one the best people ever on any planet ever.

It is a time of happiness. The villagers will yell and scream and slip and fall and I will type for a little while or a long while without stopping or using a period until I finally do.

I think that Adam Coates is still doing great, great things. I am addicted to his twitter. Also, if you have not visited This is not an end yet, then you probably really should. I say that with a stamp of intensity!

What makes you want to dance?

I have posted this too many times, but have received zero response. Submissions for PANGUR BAN PARTY are open. Please submit to deejberndt@gmail.com if you want to submit. What if no one submits ever? What if beatles fly into my window and fly into my mouth to steal my pancreas?

What if someone threw a dartboard at someone else?

Blurb-A-Blurb

2009-03-18T16:39:00.009-04:00

Crispin Best says:

"Haha.
I blurbed Adam Showalter's poetry collection A Glimpse of a Grainy Home Movie at Pangur Ban Party.
Pangur Ban Party is run by DJ Berndt.
DJ wants PBP to be 'bigger than Wendy's'.
He wants PBP to be 'bigger than sports and the motor industry combined'.
He wants it 'bigger than Italy'.
So do I.

You can submit things to Pangur Ban Party now, to ensure you 'get in on the ground floor'.
You should do it.
DJ is a good, strong baby boy.
I trust DJ."

He said that here. Man, I love me some Crispin Best. Shoot.

I say:

"Crispin Best once saved the world once from owl zombies by shooting happiness rainbows from his crotch by thrusting his hips back and forth and smiling."

Oh, and also: nothing about Lil' Wayne, something about messy rooms, a little bit about cheap scotch, and tons of questions.

New PANGUR BAN PARTY Release: A Glimpse Of A Grainy Home Movie by Adam Showalter

2009-03-09T21:46:00.011-04:00

There is a new poetry series up on PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is A Glimpse Of A Grainy Home Movie by Adam Showalter.

Praise for A Glimpse Of A Grainy Home Movie:

"after mr berndt sent me the link. i clicked on the link and read the poems. at first i acted like an extra in a movie from the nineties about a substitute teacher. i leaned back in my chair and gave the poems a look like, "we';ll see who's teaching who." then the poems lowered my guard and i found myself becoming good friends with the substitute teacher and even helping him or her go through a transitional period in life. i don't know what's going on right now."
-Sam Pink, author of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

"i like it when adam showalter writes the poem about the man who forgets how to wash his hands. that poem is a particularly good one. i think 'allow three seconds for soap to activate' is the best line in the collection, and captures something that i like about life. when i was finished reading this collection, i wanted the 'next' button on the final poem to link back to the first poem, so i could read them again. but it linked back to the contents page, so i looked at the titles and couldn't decide which one to click and so didn't."
-Crispin Best, author of MEN

"there is a picture of a bomb in the top right and this misrepresents the poems. these poems are about little quiet things underneath big things, so maybe i was wrong about the bomb picture. i think studying these poems might make you a better person, or at least a little happier and less afraid. i read each poem three times just to make sure. i would recommend reading each poem three times. somehow it makes everything better. ‘maybe a breakdown’ could be made into a feature film."
-Adam Coates, author of This is not an end

"i like the layout. i had to look up ‘jocular’"
-Ryan Manning, Blogger celebrity

"these poems lick the asshole out the hoes they fuck within and fuck without"
-Daniel Bailey, author of East Central Indiana

"someone asked me to blurb about adam showalter's poems but i didn't know who adam showalter was so i read his poems and in every poem i had feelings of happiness and sadness but i still don't know who adam showalter is so i am going to finish this blurb and look him up on facebook"
-Gena Mohwish, co-founder of fondly, sincerely

"Adam Showalter's poetry series 'a glimpse of a grainy home movie' will make you laugh, make you lips chap over with raw human emotion and will remind you how exactly to wash your hands..."
"...and my girlfriend just read through all of them with me and she said she really likes 'that was vulgar' and 'the weapon was always there'"
-Glen Binger, editor of Lo-Fidelity and 50 to 1

"Not as good as ‘Mien Kampf’"
-A Nazi

I'm sorry if someone that blurbed A Glimpse Of A Grainy Home Movie by Adam Showalter is more famous for something else than what is cited. I did the best I could.

Also, thanks to Glen Binger for promoting my blog here and to Ellen Frances for promoting my blog here.

PANGUR BAN PARTY is currently accepting submissions for both poetry and short fiction. Send your short fiction and/or poetry to deejberndt@gmail.com if you are interested.

Now please enjoy A Glimpse Of A Grainy Home Movie by Adam Showalter and don't be afraid to leave feedback here or through e-mail.

He Killed Himself To Kill Something Inside Of Everyone

2009-03-06T19:25:00.007-05:00

Check out i am a bad person. It is music by Adam Coates. It is a must-listen, I have been very much enjoying it for the past two days. It has beautiful piano (track number 5 is my favorite, 'Spaces Between') complimented by haunting audio samples (track number 2, 'Don't Ask') and intriguing ambient voices (track number 6, 'I Just Ate A Pear). I know you will really enjoy it. After you have enjoyed it for awhile, sit on your arm so your hand goes numb and then try to control it enough to tickle yourself.

I was honored by Crispin Best this week when he invited me to be included in for every year, which is a brilliant and fun project that he started. You get to pick a year between 1400 and 2008 and write something that has to do with that year. It doesn't have to be set in that time period, it just has to be tied to that year in some way. I wrote 1467. It is encoded. E-mail me and I will give you hints or hugs or letters or packages or reasons to live or reasons to die.

I want to know everything there is to know about Ellen Frances. I know that her pictures are magnificent ((SNAP!, SNAP!, DRAW A SAD ROBOT!, MAKE ME FEEL LOVE AGAIN!)) and that she is friends with Zachary German and probably Tao Lin. I know that she is famous. I know that she has a very informative Wikipedia page, which explains in what ways she is famous. I know that I want to be her friend and I want her to take pictures of me while thinking about sad robots and fame.

I wrote nine more poems/flash fictions. I am in need of a comprehensive list of places to submit them. My e-mail address is deejberndt@gmail.com. Please e-mail me if you know of any places accepting work from mediocre, unknown people.

make my heart spin
so my veins get all tangled up
and blood stops going
to certain parts of my skin
turning certain parts of my skin
different colors.

then untie my veins slowly
and sit with me
while my skin changes
back to its normal color,
the remaining discoloration
spelling out:
"you are so fucked"

The only way I could convince myself to live another week was to tell myself that if I drink enough iced tea I will get a kidney stone so large that it when it comes out the sheer force of it will shoot my genitals off into the ceiling where they will stick and my corpse will be found dead from loss of blood with my penis hanging from the ceiling dripping even more blood on me and no one will know how it got up there and then I will have accomplished the greatest suicide of all time.

I will e-mail you some more if you want. Please send me e-mail. I want to refresh my gmail account and have it make my happier. I don't know what to do. I wish you didn't know me. If you think you might be having a nervous breakdown, then you probably aren't, because you still have the capability to recognize the signs of an oncoming nervous breakdown in yourself. That is good news.

Hug Me Or Kill Me Or Light Boxes By Shane Jones

2009-03-02T18:38:00.004-05:00

I am going to think about things that are beautiful. If I was going to think about things that are beautiful, I would think about this for awhile. It is by Ryan Manning, read by Kathyrn Regina, and featured on HERE EXPLODES MY GIANT FACE, which is a thing full of beauty.

I am going to think about Light Boxes by Shane Jones. Light Boxes by Shane Jones is incredible. It is part story, part abstract atmospheric description, and part poem. A perfect recipe with each ingredient constantly complementing the others, resulting in an evolving piece of art that belongs on the bookshelf of every person who has ever experienced sadness and wants a fairy tale that will whisper eloquent words of healing to it. Shane Jones paints some of his pages with dense abstract prose, saying:

"I placed my head inside a horse's neck. Deep inside that web of flesh, among the organs and bone I saw a miniature town that was identical to ours. I saw Thaddeus and Caldor and Bianca and everyone else asleep in hammocks tied to the ribcage. I saw a little balloon carrying horses in a basket. I saw kites pushing clouds into a burning sun. And where the stomach was I saw myself standing on a frozen river. Wind tunnels around my leg lifted my dress and pulled my hair towards the clouds. I could feel the cracking of ice against the bottom of my feet. Fish ate water and screamed for me to come down and have some tea have some mint."

Other times, Shane Jones lets the pages paint themselves, leaving it up to the reader to fill in the blanks between an empty page that contains absolutely nothing except for:

"I vomit ice cubes."

I hope that you purchase Light Boxes by Shane Jones. You deserve it.

I am going to think about I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT by Sam Pink. I don't feel the need to review or quote I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT by Sam Pink any more than I already have. I think that if Sam Pink ever closed his eyes and outstretched his arms and ran through an empty field, he would simultaneously clothesline Ernest Hemingway and Leo Tolstoy across the face without even noticing. Reading Sam Pink makes me want to rent dorm rooms at colleges just so I can tape posters of him to the walls.

For the first time in several months, I wrote some things that I like. I wrote a poem and a short short story. The short short story is about 225 words long. Where should I submit my poem and my short short story?

Being Unconscious Is Not Unlike Being Dead, Actually

2009-02-25T19:22:00.003-05:00

The world is now less serious and more whimsical to a ridiculously extreme degree. There is still violence and war, but everybody loses and instead of fighting with guns and bombs, the soldiers and terrorists just pat each other on the back and say, "Don't worry, buddy, it'll be okay." People celebrate holidays by leaping off of tall buildings in large groups, while others look at all the mashed-up corpses on the ground and think "Haha, my best friend and my entire family just died." It is common for a person to forget his or her name, not mind at all, then drink a lot of coffee and drown alone in a muddy pond. People cheer for natural disasters like it's a famine versus a wide-spread disease in the Super Bowl. Instead of puppies and kittens, people adopt dangerous weapons and name them after serial killers. Amusement parks consist of small, empty rooms where people gather to squeeze each other's heads as hard as they are able while whispering existential misery to one another.

In this world, there are no apologies because everyone is already so sorry for everything.

If I write a pilot about sexy lifeguards who suffer from severe depression, will you help me by being an actor in its filming? It could be a spin-off of Baywatch, and I could call it Suicidewatch. The rampant sexuality will still be there, but it'll be a tad more morbid. Do you like morbid sexuality?

A stranger squeezes my head until it hurts and I am barely able to distinguish something that sounds like "You are all alone. You are going to live and die, and then the world will continue as if you had never been here at all. Once everyone on Earth is done living, the universe will continue as if Earth never existed. Your feelings are nothing but meaningless fabricated reactions to delusional paranoia."

Robot Melon Issue Seven is good. It is jam-packed with quality writers, including Ryan Manning, Emily Seigenthaler, and Crispin Best. Also, I think it would be a good idea for you to click here and read three poems by Adam Coates. I just ordered Light Boxes by Shane Jones and I feel excited to read it.

Sometimes You Ask Serious Questions And I Don't Feel Like Giving Serious Answers

2009-02-22T21:13:00.004-05:00

Last night I shot heroin into my tongue and into my gums behind my molars. My grandma came to visit me and she shot heroin into her tongue too, but we couldn't get the syringe deep enough into her mouth to reach the gums behind her ancient molars. She cried and fell asleep and I was bored and watched TV. Then I slept on the floor alone wrapped in blankets, leaving the hot tea, iced tea, and ramen noodles all over the place.

Most of the time I don't know what I'm thinking. The word "fuck" runs through my mind at least 87 times in an average twelve hour period.

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, but I work out.

I became sad for a really long time after reading Sometimes My Heart Pushes My Ribs by Ellen Kennedy. It is very powerful.

I don't care anymore. If you still care, then I don't understand you.

"Fuck x87". There. Now I don't have to think for the next twelve hours.

Painbody

2009-02-17T21:48:00.004-05:00

I'm glad that everyone had fun at AWP. I wish I could have been there. The El Train reading sounds like it was especially magnificent.

Check out This is not an end by Adam Coates. I think it's one of the best blog-related things I've read or looked at in a very long time. I think it is beautiful in the context of writing and of photography. I hope that you read it and enjoy it and maybe even blog about it.

In honor of the publication of his book, I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, I have comprised my top ten favorite Sam Pink quotes. Click on the letters that spell out a number to read the source from where the quote was taken.

TEN: I will buy a sandwich at the store and offer to trade Herbert for the sandwich. Then I will think, "This is silly, I could make so many more sandwiches with Herbert. I am being a silly person. This is like that Biblical story about not giving a man a sandwich because he'll never learn to make a sandwich out of his kid." Let's make a baby.

NINE: After you learn to tie your shoes, you have to learn how to keep from dying. How to stay away from cars, killers, rapists, fires, and whatever else will kill you.

EIGHT: IF I EVER GET INTERVIEWED ON TV I AM GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS AND JUST SIT THERE LIKE I'M OK THEN WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

SEVEN: Every time someone asks me what my name is like they're going to begin a conversation with me i want to say "i know exactly what kind of shampoo you use because i have constructed a hole in the ceiling of your bathroom and i watch you but not in a perverted way more like a caring, endearing way," that way the conversation probably won't happen.

SIX: i donated my organs provided that my large intestine (undamaged) would be used as a snorkel.

FIVE: I am in a retirement home and I am sleeping underneath the bed of an old man who doesn't know who he is anymore and who thinks his family has disappeared. I keep saying "Tick tock tick tock, nobody loves you and I won't hold your hand when you die."

FOUR: I got lice from a cardboard Burger King crown. It was then I knew that I wasn't the real burger king.

THREE: please call me and breathe into the phone so i can take your breath through the plastic holes and pass out on the tile and hit my head really hard i have to die with dust on my face

TWO: Don't believe the saying, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" because I think that everyone should fear falling off of a roof and then breaking their neck and having to lie on the grass, immobilized while the sun bakes their face leaving it a dry, flaky remnant of the last expression of fear on an earth that clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone.

ONE: i am wearing clothes and i have on a shirt that has a big blue stain on it and i think it's from a bic pen--i need to become dead in your car.

Basically I just want Sam Pink to love me.

Its head is swimming, its head is drowning. It knows nineteen ways to accurately describe negative emotion, but only four to describe positive emotion. It feels frenzied with anxiety, but defeated by self-pity and the end result is that it is too full of loathing towards itself to put its negativity to rest. The pressure becomes to great and it experiences helplessness. It is thinking that the future will destroy it.

I Also Tend To Use The Word 'Rape' Rather Casually

2009-02-11T18:15:00.011-05:00

I'm going to title all my blog posts things that Ryan Manning has said to me on gchat. The title of this post and the title of the previous post on this blog are things that he has said to me on gchat.

A line from Holly From Muncie by Nathan Logan has been in my head all day. It's the part after the first party when Holly leaves with that other dude and the main character is like, "Bright Eyes has been on repeat on my CD player for awhile and that's cliche as fuck but I don't care."

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT by Sam Pink is finally out! I am excited to receive it in the mail and read it over and over again, then put it on my bookshelf in between other books, then look at it resting on my bookshelf next to all of my other books, then pluck it from the other books and read it again. Sam Pink is responsible for some of the greatest sentences I have ever read on a computer screen. He once wrote the following phrase for virgin orgasm: 'i am wearing clothes and i have on a shirt that has a big blue stain on it and i think it's from a bic pen--i need to become dead in your car.' That is my favorite sentence that I have ever read in my entire life out of every sentence anyone has ever written that I have ever encountered. If that isn't enough Sam Pink for you, just click like crazy here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and then spin around a whole bunch of times really fast until you are really dizzy and you don't know who you are or why you are still alive and then squeeze your eyeballs until they pop and you die.

I was looking at my StatCounter today and saw that someone visited my blog after searching "I have very low self esteem and cannot imagine any man liking me" on Google. I tried it, and my blog is the first response if you type in that phrase on Google. It probably rose even higher in "I have very low self esteem and cannot imagine any man liking me" power because I just typed the phrase verbatim on my blog twice.

Sometimes I stare at my Facebook account for up to 15 minutes to try and determine how someone who thinks like me would judge me.

If I was going to AWP, I would be most looking forward to this event:
PANGUR BAN PARTY is trying to expand. Please e-mail poems, flash fiction, short stories, or any random assortment of words to deejberndt [at] gmail [dot] com. I have begun talking with Glen Binger about making prints of pieces from
PANGUR BAN PARTY for a real live chapbook that you could show your friends/lovers/enemies/pets/demons that haunt you at night when you try to sleep or unlock the door of your apartment. So even if you hate the internet and only like real paper, you should send me an e-mail with things that you wrote.

I have very low self esteem and cannot imagine any man liking me.

Fucked Is The New Cute

2009-02-02T19:30:00.008-05:00

One of the most defining moments in my life up to this point was when I first thought "ffuuuuccckkkk ssshhhhiiiiiiittttt aaaaarrrrrggggggghhhh" after reading it by Tao Lin somewhere on the internet.

Ryan Manning has interviewed me here.

Seven days ago I was 10 minutes late to see my therapist because when I pulled into the parking lot, I scribbled down a poem that I called YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE WOMB AND I AM NOT THE SHARP END OF A CLOTHES HANGER SO YOU SHOULDN'T BE SMILING AT ME. That is a true story. The poem is is disgusting, grotesque, offensive, depressing, and sort of funny. I will not post it. I would e-mail it, though.

I want to publish a pamphlet about seducing women and call it "Who Cares If I Don't Love You? The Universe Is Arbitrary!".

I want to write a love poem and call it "I Forwarded You All Of My Spam E-Mail In An Attempt To Bring Us Closer Together".

I want to rent the set of Maury and film a sequel to the Roman Polanski classic and call it "Rosemary's Baby-Daddy".

I no longer have control of my thoughts. Phrases have been running through my mind in cycles forming weird shapes I have never seen before. Examples of these phrases include:

Maybe one day soon we can be friends, but right now I'm just too afraid.

You can go blind from not staring at the sun long enough.

Sharing is caring, but you kill me first.

If I try really really hard, I can come up with a reason not to go to hell.

There are things existing and then ceasing to exist on continents I will never even see on a map.

Oh please be nice and tell me the world isn't real.

Fuck coincidence.

Time is going by too slowly; there is still too much life to live.

Feel no more and you'll be free.

If "fucked" was an emoticon, what do you think it would look like?

Here is mine: DJDJDJ>;]

Mini Ponies

2009-01-24T22:26:00.005-05:00

That excerpt from an AIM conversation I mentioned in my previous entry was accepted by Seventy Two Words. Positive feelings.

Sense has become a mere flicker in an inferno of desperation.

EVER by Blake Butler is breathtaking. I can't imagine very many people that wouldn't like it, or at the very least, find it interesting to read and look at.

I need to see Revolutionary Road again. I need to see The Wrestler. I need to see Milk. I need to see Frost/Nixon. I am seeing Vicky Cristina Barcelona on Monday, along with Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired. I thought Slumdog Millionaire was lame.

There is nothing good about any of this.

If your name was a verb, what would it mean?

DJ Berndt: to gloriously rise and collapse, over and over again.

Arbitrary Series Of Letters And Symbols That You Can Interpret As Words, If You Want To

2009-01-12T20:29:00.006-05:00

I am on Seventy Two Words. I am happy for this because I really like that blog. I think I will submit something else there tonight. That would increase positive feelings.

Oh yeah, also a really emo Six Sentences that I wrote was posted.

Do they still have those theaters that only play pornographic films? If they do, I think my funeral should be held there, because I was thinking today about funny places to cry, and a pornographic movie theater was one of the places I thought it would be funny to cry in.

alphabetboozecackledeadetherfuckgodhorroridiotjiltedkilllisten
monsternibbleouchpornographyquietrippingsuicidetearsupset
violentwetxrayyawnzip

I said this in an AOL Instant Messenger conversation with a friend last night, and I think will submit it to Seventy Two Words:

The old man in the apartment next to mine speaks to me through his coughing. He looks unkempt, like the kind of man who doesn’t take care of himself very well. Every night I hear his coughs through the wall, and other than this, we have no interaction. I hear him coughing, and I imagine that he is coughing directly to me, whispering "this is what life will do to you, boy."

Keep Feeling Your Feelings, It Will Make For A More Interesting Apocalypse

2009-01-04T10:23:00.004-05:00

Even after a four day bender, I can tell you that nothing has changed. Nothing has changed since we were kids, and the thing that changed is our childhood. It changed by ceasing to exist.

Families are supposed to live in houses. Families and houses are constantly racing each other to see which will crumble first. Love versus brick.

You are on the beach and I am in the sand.

I'll show you my favorite things. You'll show me that they don't exist.

I think that the weirdest part about breaking up with a girlfriend would be deleting her friends' phone numbers from my cell phone. I hope that nobody ever broke up with anybody that owns a cell phone, but if it has happened, I wish that the person with the broken heart would tell me how it feels.

I am not telling the truth anymore.

Who is your favorite serial killer?

Keep feeling your feelings, it will make for a more interesting apocalypse.